Missing Timothy

Good Morning.  For some reason lately I have been thinking heavily of my son, Timothy.  I am sure that never goes away.  He is the child of my heart and I miss him.  I am having dreams about him.  Or should I say that he is in my dreams.  There is this part of my heart that aches to see him once more.  I am better at understanding grief.  Each person grieves in their own way whether it be to make jokes, cry, withdraw from the world.... whichever form grief takes is okay.  
I have been crocheting a laptop carrier to felt.  Will include photos when I am finished.  It is HUGE!!!  The end result has to be 16"w x 11"h.  I designed my own and will give a brief description of how I worked it here and later maybe be more specific.  Before I sewed up the sides, it looked like an "H" with Huge sidebars and a teeny center bar.  When I sewed the sides, It is an envelop with about 3" sides and bottom.  I put a flap on it and to make it stronger, I made a strap with a wide shoulder handle/pad at the top and then sewed it over the bottom and sides.  I will put on a weight (looks like a tree of life) for the flap when I am done.   It is made from LionBrand classic wool and from all my leftover pieces so it is indeed a "Joseph's Coat of Many Colors" laptop carrier.  I am making it for the young woman who comes to sign a Bible lesson for me about 3X a month.  I am excited to see how it looks when it is finished.
My son Shawn has a family!!   He met a girl about 2-1/2 years ago that he worked with for 2 years and then they started dating.  She sounds very nice on the phone.  Haven't met her.  They moved to MI for his new job and took 2 of her sons with them.  So he has a ready made family and is starting out with a teenager.  Smile.  God does answer prayers!!  

Brendan and has family is doing well.  He has finished studying Greek and is now studying Hebrew.  That along with his family and being a Chemical Engineer in charge of 92 or so other engineers.  Whew.
Kevin is not calling me or communicating with me still.  He says he doesn't know if he loves me.  Ha!  I defy him to find anyone who hasn't made mistakes in their life and then he can say taht.  We were so very close.  And if I call him, we still talk about how much we read or like certain books.  What happened????  I don't know.  But if he won't tell me then I'm not guessing.   I have no recent photos of Kevin to put up.

My cats are both fine.  Doing so well.  I pray to God every day that they don't get sick cuz I can't afford it.  They are so comforting and beautiful.  Wow.  
That's about it.    My life has been slow and peaceful for the most part except for that heart piece that is missing.
Sincerely,  Linda

You know, I have been creating but not writing out the patterns as I guess in my old age I am getting Rawthah Lazee!    My 65th birthday just passed and I don't look a DAY over 64...
This photo is a lace valance that I made for myself (surprisingly enough!) out of thread that my friend had sent me.  I don't usually work with thread, however, this pattern worked up fast!!
I have made more of my easy shawl pattern.  They work up SO quick!!!  And are mindless, essentially.  They make nice prayer shawls.  I have made many hats for the homeless and for Africa for this coming year. I also have been working on felted hats.  The pattern I use is "in my head" and is essentially:  hdc 10 into a ring, join.  2 hdc in each hdc, join.....and I add 10 new sts per row up until I have 140 sts.  Then I work hdc down until I have 28 rows.  Then I change colors for a 4 row stripe.  Back to original color and finish off with 4 more rows.  It is HUGE!!!!  And then I felt it and it becomes a medium man's or a large women's warm hat!!!  I am making them for my son, Shawn's, family.
The photo is my son Timothy Brian Patrick Rollins Arbuckle with his biological dad, Jackie Don Rollins.
We scattered my son, Timothy's, ashes this past week.  Because Tim was in the Coast Guard, they kindly took us out off of Fischer's Island (NY?) and 8 family members had a service of our own and we scattered him where he wanted.  My dil, Julie, has done all that Timothy wanted to have done.  She has done an incredible job of managing.  His children, Devin and Tegan, were there.  They did so very well.  I am proud of them and of all my family.  
2nd son Shawn has found a new job and relocated to Michigan with his family.  I think with the economy the way it is, for him to find a job that pays almost twice what he was making in FL, it is a miracle.  I don't know how all of them will like Michigan winters but....thank goodness it's not my job.  Grin.
Brendan and his family are doing so well.  He works very hard and travels 2 hours each way to work.  They are selling their home and will be moving closer though.  That is a big plus.  I will pray that they find a buyer quickly and then find a home with a mil apartment so I can see my grandkids more often!   Yay.
Kevin is not quite feeling up to par and he is home a lot.  He is disabled.  His wife works as a manager at a pet store.  She is such a good and hard worker!  When she and Kevin were managing a store together, they were The Best Team I have ever seen!!
If you have read this far then you will know that I wish Blessings on you and your family and my prayers are with you in whatever is happening in your life.
This, too, shall pass.
Linda

Agony and Grief, Priorities

Isn't this a a marvelous creation??  I got the pattern online and it is a vintage one.  If I could only remembere the name of where I got it....I call it a gypsy scarf but I think the designer called it a Movie Star Scarf.  At any rate, it was quick to make and so pretty.  My friend who is Islam says she can wear it.  I am so glad when my crocheted stuff is used and appreciated!  With four boys, it just doesn't happen much.  Smile.
I am down today.  I miss my son.  I am going through grief and trying hard not to deny it so that I can experience it and move on.  On Mother's Day, it was hard becuz my son Timothy always called me.  He is so beautiful!  --in looks and heart and spirit.  He had grown so much.
My priorities have changed and I find myself getting very angry at people who bicker and talk about stupid things (did you see they were sitting together?  did you see what she had on?  duh duh duh).  I have now to work on directing my anger.  I have had doubts about my faith.  I have always believed there is a God and Goddess (or Father and Mother God, or whatever name you wish to give) and my Faith has been Strong.  Now it is wavering becuz I am afraid I will never see my son again.  It was amazing becuz I walked into his hospital room and had an immediate and very colorful vision of his being in a thick garden with an old old library off to the side.  And I knew he was going to study with the thinkers.  It was so strong.  And yet now I can't bring it up becuz my brain fights it.  It is so difficult to talk to anyone about these things unless they are going through them at the same time and I don't think that happens.  Everyone is in a place of their own and this is the loneliest thing I have evere gone through.  I pray for a sign from God that Timothy is at Peace.  And I know that is selfish.  I just want to know.  It hurts so bad.
Oh man.  Oh, God and Goddess.

This is a prayer shawl that I "exploded" from a doily pattern wth leftover yarn.  I have made my 28th prayer shawl since March 28, 2011.  That is the day Timothy died.  I came right home and started on ones for Timothy's close family (daughters-in-law, daughter) and have been doing it ever since.  I watch old movies or old tv series (cd or dvd) and pray at the same time.  It has kept me sane and going "one foot in front of the other."  Plus I feel useful and not quite so lost.   I hope reading this helps someone else.   I didn't write anything deep, just honest and I am so lonely in my grief.

Don't know where to turn...

Timothy  April 18, 1969 to March 28, 2011
I have been crying all morning.  I don't want to be a whiner or complainer, but I am in such pain.  I miss my son, Timothy, so much.  And I miss feeling sane.   I don't like people.  I just want to be alone and hide.  I cry and I live in such a small apartment community that I know others can hear me.  I wwant to scream at the top of my lungs.  I want to be dead.  I want my son to be alive on this earth to experience his children.  It hurts so very much.  I can't even handle the slightest change in my surroundings.  I feel like one gigantic nerve ending that I just want to cut off.   My heart is not whole.  It is missing my son.  And I miss my son, Shawn, who even though he hasn't died, he doesn't contact me.  He hates me.  I am tired of worrying about everyone's feelings.  I just can't even find my Peace...the Peace that I had when I went through the dying of my son.  I had a vision and it was Timothy in a beautiful green garden near a giant old old library and he was looking forward to the libralry.   I can't hold that in my head anymore.  I just want to lay down and not hurt or get up and not hurt....both physically and mentally.  I have and had so much love to give and I don't know how to give it.  I am hurting so much.    Please, God, help me.  
This morning my youngest cat (3 yrs old) jumped out of the 2nd story window and hid in the bushes.  I thought I was gone then.  I have this beautiful spirit of the cat that I am supposed to take care of and instead I got so wrapped up in shaking rugs i didnt even notice.  What kind of person is this?????  I don't like m lifee.  I don''t like anone righ tnow.  I don't have any answers.  Ihad so much Faith and I still believe in God and have Faith that my son is where he is supposed to be.  But i can't overcome all the pain int he world and the pain that I have caused people from my Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (oh, yeah, now it's a lousy syndrome and not a disorder....pshaw).   Stoopid.   giving it aname doesn't make it any easier.  I love my sons and I have no way to take back who I have been.  Please God, help me.