Sunday, June 26, 2011
I have been crying all morning. I don't want to be a whiner or complainer, but I am in such pain. I miss my son, Timothy, so much. And I miss feeling sane. I don't like people. I just want to be alone and hide. I cry and I live in such a small apartment community that I know others can hear me. I wwant to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to be dead. I want my son to be alive on this earth to experience his children. It hurts so very much. I can't even handle the slightest change in my surroundings. I feel like one gigantic nerve ending that I just want to cut off. My heart is not whole. It is missing my son. And I miss my son, Shawn, who even though he hasn't died, he doesn't contact me. He hates me. I am tired of worrying about everyone's feelings. I just can't even find my Peace...the Peace that I had when I went through the dying of my son. I had a vision and it was Timothy in a beautiful green garden near a giant old old library and he was looking forward to the libralry. I can't hold that in my head anymore. I just want to lay down and not hurt or get up and not hurt....both physically and mentally. I have and had so much love to give and I don't know how to give it. I am hurting so much. Please, God, help me.
This morning my youngest cat (3 yrs old) jumped out of the 2nd story window and hid in the bushes. I thought I was gone then. I have this beautiful spirit of the cat that I am supposed to take care of and instead I got so wrapped up in shaking rugs i didnt even notice. What kind of person is this????? I don't like m lifee. I don''t like anone righ tnow. I don't have any answers. Ihad so much Faith and I still believe in God and have Faith that my son is where he is supposed to be. But i can't overcome all the pain int he world and the pain that I have caused people from my Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (oh, yeah, now it's a lousy syndrome and not a disorder....pshaw). Stoopid. giving it aname doesn't make it any easier. I love my sons and I have no way to take back who I have been. Please God, help me.