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Sunday, June 26, 2011

Don't know where to turn...

Timothy  April 18, 1969 to March 28, 2011
I have been crying all morning.  I don't want to be a whiner or complainer, but I am in such pain.  I miss my son, Timothy, so much.  And I miss feeling sane.   I don't like people.  I just want to be alone and hide.  I cry and I live in such a small apartment community that I know others can hear me.  I wwant to scream at the top of my lungs.  I want to be dead.  I want my son to be alive on this earth to experience his children.  It hurts so very much.  I can't even handle the slightest change in my surroundings.  I feel like one gigantic nerve ending that I just want to cut off.   My heart is not whole.  It is missing my son.  And I miss my son, Shawn, who even though he hasn't died, he doesn't contact me.  He hates me.  I am tired of worrying about everyone's feelings.  I just can't even find my Peace...the Peace that I had when I went through the dying of my son.  I had a vision and it was Timothy in a beautiful green garden near a giant old old library and he was looking forward to the libralry.   I can't hold that in my head anymore.  I just want to lay down and not hurt or get up and not hurt....both physically and mentally.  I have and had so much love to give and I don't know how to give it.  I am hurting so much.    Please, God, help me.  
This morning my youngest cat (3 yrs old) jumped out of the 2nd story window and hid in the bushes.  I thought I was gone then.  I have this beautiful spirit of the cat that I am supposed to take care of and instead I got so wrapped up in shaking rugs i didnt even notice.  What kind of person is this?????  I don't like m lifee.  I don''t like anone righ tnow.  I don't have any answers.  Ihad so much Faith and I still believe in God and have Faith that my son is where he is supposed to be.  But i can't overcome all the pain int he world and the pain that I have caused people from my Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (oh, yeah, now it's a lousy syndrome and not a disorder....pshaw).   Stoopid.   giving it aname doesn't make it any easier.  I love my sons and I have no way to take back who I have been.  Please God, help me.