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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sunday, Feeling Overwhelmed

This is a photo of my Aunt Gert Stimpson with cousin Roger;  Gloria Stimpson Kahler with Richard;  Gwendolyn Stimpson Monk Cretinon with Linda (me); and Ruth Stimpson Williams with Alan.  Roger has passed away, Richard lives in CO, I live in RI, and Alan passed away when he was around 25 yrs old.  Gert is a sister-in-law who married my uncle Orrin, the other 3 women are sisters.

Did not want to get out of bed this morning. I wonder how many people start their day thinking the same thing.  I am a morning person so usually just get up and start going.  I write down what I need to accomplish on any given day.  But today I have played silly games on the computer and finally did the cat litter.  Once I move, I am better, and I know that.  But there are days when I just "don't wanna."   My gosh I sound like a whiny child.  Sigh.  Guess I better get on that.
I spoke to a friend from long ago last evening.  My son's death has brought us to being friends again.  I am so grateful to be talking to her as I have missed her.  I am getting old and sometimes I forget that because my brain is still 18 or so (with more knowledge, of course) but the time goes so fast that is seems impossible that our children played together and hers babysat mine...and they are all in their 40's and 50's and have grown children of their own.  What is this miracle called growing up?  whew.
I have finished many prayer shawls and that makes me feel good.  Gave one to Stephanie yesterday and it looked so good on her. Must make Lynn one now.  I really like Lynn and I think she gets the bad end of the deal from her mother.  Can't change the past but maybe I can remind the mom that she has 2 daughters.  I am BOLD. 
Speaking of Bold, I watched evanglist television this a.m...  Dr. Stanley. His son was speaking about being bold.....how we have opportunities to speak of Christ and we don't...or to talk to someone new, or to welcome them or even just listen to them.  I work at that.  But I find the anger from my son's death hangs over me and I get angry if people put their egos forward or hurt others or me.  I'm getting better at standing up for me, also.  Feels good.  But not that great at it yet.....anyway, I just want to be home and crochet and walk outside and read and watch dumb movies while I crochet.  I also crochet while I am on facebook and I feel that I am a useful human being.
I think am rambling here.  Focus, Linda.  I need to wallow in my Strength and my Faith.  I need to pray every minute (and sometimes I do) so that I am not overwhelmed.  I cry and mourn and also mourn that my children aren't close to me and I work so hard to keep in touch with them and two of my sons get angry with me and don't respond at all.  Timothy and Brendan were the only ones who called me or sent cards.  I wonder if it is because T & B have children and know more about life now.  Sigh.  I'll never know but I don't want to go to my death with them holding grudges and I can't fix them, I know.  I have been the best person I was able to be with what I had to work with and did a darn good job.  But they don't know that.  They didn't live my life.  My heart hurts for all the pain in the world and for me and Timothy's children and for his brothers and Julie.  Oh, God,, my heart hurrts.   Time to pray.  And thank God for the time that I had with my son.  Better get busy and stop this whining.  sigh.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Losing a Child

I am not doing well.  Every day I am the ocean with waves knocking me about.  And I can't breathe.  I am held in place by anger that wants me to die in my son's place.  Simple every day things elude me and feel so senseless.  I have great Faith in God and am trying to let this happen so it will get easier.  When does it get easier?  Dear Mother and Father God, know that I am desperate to see where Timothy is now and I need to know he is at peace. 
Please take me, take me.  I love all my sons so much and could have done an infinitely better job of raising them.  I need to know that my son is at Peace. 
I am learning the lesson, "Not my will, but Thine."  It hurts it hurts so much.