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Sunday, July 03, 2011

Agony and Grief, Priorities

Isn't this a a marvelous creation??  I got the pattern online and it is a vintage one.  If I could only remembere the name of where I got it....I call it a gypsy scarf but I think the designer called it a Movie Star Scarf.  At any rate, it was quick to make and so pretty.  My friend who is Islam says she can wear it.  I am so glad when my crocheted stuff is used and appreciated!  With four boys, it just doesn't happen much.  Smile.
I am down today.  I miss my son.  I am going through grief and trying hard not to deny it so that I can experience it and move on.  On Mother's Day, it was hard becuz my son Timothy always called me.  He is so beautiful!  --in looks and heart and spirit.  He had grown so much.
My priorities have changed and I find myself getting very angry at people who bicker and talk about stupid things (did you see they were sitting together?  did you see what she had on?  duh duh duh).  I have now to work on directing my anger.  I have had doubts about my faith.  I have always believed there is a God and Goddess (or Father and Mother God, or whatever name you wish to give) and my Faith has been Strong.  Now it is wavering becuz I am afraid I will never see my son again.  It was amazing becuz I walked into his hospital room and had an immediate and very colorful vision of his being in a thick garden with an old old library off to the side.  And I knew he was going to study with the thinkers.  It was so strong.  And yet now I can't bring it up becuz my brain fights it.  It is so difficult to talk to anyone about these things unless they are going through them at the same time and I don't think that happens.  Everyone is in a place of their own and this is the loneliest thing I have evere gone through.  I pray for a sign from God that Timothy is at Peace.  And I know that is selfish.  I just want to know.  It hurts so bad.
Oh man.  Oh, God and Goddess.
This is a prayer shawl that I "exploded" from a doily pattern wth leftover yarn.  I have made my 28th prayer shawl since March 28, 2011.  That is the day Timothy died.  I came right home and started on ones for Timothy's close family (daughters-in-law, daughter) and have been doing it ever since.  I watch old movies or old tv series (cd or dvd) and pray at the same time.  It has kept me sane and going "one foot in front of the other."  Plus I feel useful and not quite so lost.   I hope reading this helps someone else.   I didn't write anything deep, just honest and I am so lonely in my grief.

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