You know, I have been creating but not writing out the patterns as I guess in my old age I am getting Rawthah Lazee!    My 65th birthday just passed and I don't look a DAY over 64...
This photo is a lace valance that I made for myself (surprisingly enough!) out of thread that my friend had sent me.  I don't usually work with thread, however, this pattern worked up fast!!
I have made more of my easy shawl pattern.  They work up SO quick!!!  And are mindless, essentially.  They make nice prayer shawls.  I have made many hats for the homeless and for Africa for this coming year. I also have been working on felted hats.  The pattern I use is "in my head" and is essentially:  hdc 10 into a ring, join.  2 hdc in each hdc, join.....and I add 10 new sts per row up until I have 140 sts.  Then I work hdc down until I have 28 rows.  Then I change colors for a 4 row stripe.  Back to original color and finish off with 4 more rows.  It is HUGE!!!!  And then I felt it and it becomes a medium man's or a large women's warm hat!!!  I am making them for my son, Shawn's, family.
The photo is my son Timothy Brian Patrick Rollins Arbuckle with his biological dad, Jackie Don Rollins.
We scattered my son, Timothy's, ashes this past week.  Because Tim was in the Coast Guard, they kindly took us out off of Fischer's Island (NY?) and 8 family members had a service of our own and we scattered him where he wanted.  My dil, Julie, has done all that Timothy wanted to have done.  She has done an incredible job of managing.  His children, Devin and Tegan, were there.  They did so very well.  I am proud of them and of all my family.  
2nd son Shawn has found a new job and relocated to Michigan with his family.  I think with the economy the way it is, for him to find a job that pays almost twice what he was making in FL, it is a miracle.  I don't know how all of them will like Michigan winters but....thank goodness it's not my job.  Grin.
Brendan and his family are doing so well.  He works very hard and travels 2 hours each way to work.  They are selling their home and will be moving closer though.  That is a big plus.  I will pray that they find a buyer quickly and then find a home with a mil apartment so I can see my grandkids more often!   Yay.
Kevin is not quite feeling up to par and he is home a lot.  He is disabled.  His wife works as a manager at a pet store.  She is such a good and hard worker!  When she and Kevin were managing a store together, they were The Best Team I have ever seen!!
If you have read this far then you will know that I wish Blessings on you and your family and my prayers are with you in whatever is happening in your life.
This, too, shall pass.
Linda

Quick & Easy Lacy Shoulderette Less than 5 hours!

Corrections made January 16, 2012:   SECOND FRONT, Row 12:  Ch 3, skip st, V-st across DC IN LAST DC, Turn.  (4 V-sts)  
Row 1 of edgework:  TURN,  Ch 3, V-st in each st to last st, V-st around...etc.
Row 2:  Ch 3, V-st in each V-st around to last dc.  You can increase with an occasional lacy V-st to keep work flat.


I have been so down that I have not blogged so that I may not inflict myself on the world.  (somewhere in there is part of a quote from Mark Twain (I shall lie abed until noon so that I may not inflict myself on the world).  Anyway, I have been making prayer shawls for many years and I have yet to find one that is so quick and easy and lacy and pretty (she says unabashedly).
This pattern has not been tested because there is only me....I have made 3 of them and am on my fourth and they all came out the same...whethere this is my brain remembering or the pattern is right, I have yet to know.  Smile.

PRAYER SHOULDERETTE OR QUICK AND LACY SHAWLETTE (5 hours or less)

I got the idea for this shoulderette from a photo of Tammy Hildebrand’s for her BLUE SKIES JACKET (July 2008 CROCHET MAGAZINE.COM).  Thank you, Ms. Hildebrand.

Skill Level:  Towards Intermediate

Finished Measurement:  25” across back of shoulders;  middle of neck to bottom of back -= 15”;  From shoulder to front point = 16”

MATERIALS:  --For the green, I used #3 weight yarn (ends I had with no label), off-white is #4 worsted weight yarn (Wintuk 3.5 oz, 4 ply)  You need 2 skeins or approximately 8 oz.

--Hook size “M” (M/13-9.00) (I found metal was the quickest)

--lg-eyed needle to weave in ends

Gauge:  Not Important.  One Size Fits Most

Pattern Notes:        1)  ch-3 at beginning of row counts as first dc.

2)    Special Stitches:

V-ST = (dc, ch 1, dc) all in stitch indicated.

Lacy V-ST = (dc, ch 1, dc, ch 1, dc) in stitch indicated.
  3)  Ch 3 counts as dc throughout.

SHOULDERETTE  (I personally pray as I make these.  Sometimes for the person who will receive it and sometimes for myself to keep me close to God.  At times I pray for the world and Peace.  It makes me feel serene and useful – and closer to Heaven.  You of course don’t have to.  Just for me, since my oldest son died this past March 2011, I find great need of this.  And it is helping.)

BACK:  Chain 53.

Row 1:  Sc in 2^nd chain from hook and in each chain across.  TURN. (52 sc)

Row 2:  Ch 3, sk next 2 sts, *V-st in next st, sk next 2 sts* across, end with dc in last stitch.  TURN EACH ROW IF I FORGET TO MENTION IT.  Smile.   (16 V-sts)

Row 3-14:  Ch 3, V-st in center of each V-st across, dc in last stitch, TURN  (16 V-sts)

Row 15:  Ch 3,  dc in 1^st V-st, V-st in each V-st to last V st.  Dc in last V-st and Dc.

(14 V-sts)

Row 16:  Ch 3, Skip next dc, V-st across to last 2 dc, Dc in last Dc.  Fasten Off.

FIRST FRONT       Turn work so that starting chain is at the top and Right Side of sc row is facing you.

Row 1:    Attach yarn in 1^st chain, ch 3, skip next 2 chains, *V-st in next chain, skip 2 chains* across until you have 7 V-sts, skip 2 chains, dc in next chain, TURN.

Row 2:    Ch 3, V-st in ea V-st across, dc in last dc.  (7 V-sts)

Row 3:    Repeat Row 2.

[decrease rows]  NOTE:  dec sts are made at side edge)

Row 4:    Ch 3, V-st across.  Do not work in last dc.  TURN

Row 5:    Slst into V-st, Ch 3, dc in same V-st, V-st across, dc in last dc.

Row 6:    Ch 3, V-st across to last dc & Ch 3, sk dc and dc in top of ch 3. TURN.

Row 7:    Ch 3, 2 dc in 1^st V-st, V-st to end, dc in last st.  TURN.

Row 8:    Ch 3, V-st across to last 3 sts.  Dc in next dc, sk 1 dc, dc in last st.  TURN      (6 V-sts)

Row 9:    Ch 3, sk next dc, V-st across, dc in last dc.  TURN.  (5 V-sts)

Row 10:  Ch 3, V-st across 5 V-sts, skip last st.  TURN.

Row 11:  Slst into V-st, ch 3, dc in same V-st, V-st across, dc in last st.  TURN.   (4 V-sts)

Row 12:  Ch 3, V-st in 4 V-sts, skip next dc.  Dc in last st.  TURN.

Row 13:  Ch 3, 2 dc in 1^st V-st.  V-st across, dc in last st.  TURN.  (3 V-sts)

Row 14:  Ch 3, V-st across to last 3 sts, dc in next st, skip 1 st, dc in last st.  TURN.

Row 15:  Ch 3, sk next st, V-st in each V-st, skip last st.  TURN.  (dc—3 V-sts—dc)

Row 16:  Repeat Row 11.  Fasten Off.

SECOND FRONT:  W/ starting ch at top and right side facing, skip 2 sts,  attach yarn,

Row 1:    ch 3, skip 2 ch, *V-st in next ch, sk 2 ch* across to last 3 chs.  Sk 2 chs, dc in last st.  (7 V-sts)  TURN.

Row 2-3: Ch 3, V-st in ea V-st across, dc in last st TURN.  (7 V-sts)

[decrease rows] 

Row 4:    Ch 3, 2 dc in 1^st V-st, V-st across, dc in lst st.  TURN  (6 V-sts)

Row 5:    Ch 3, V-st across to last 3 sts, dc in next dc, sk next st, dc in last st.  TURN.  (6 V-sts)

Row 6:    Ch 3, sk next st, V-st across, dc in last st.  TURN (6 V-sts)

Row 7:    Ch 3, V-st across, skip last dc.  TURN  (6 V-sts)

Row 8:    Ch 3, dc in 1^st V-st, V-st across, dc in last st TURN.  (5 V-sts)

Row 9:    Ch 3, V-st across to last 2 sts, skip st, dc in last st.  TURN.  (5 V-sts)

Row 10:  Ch 3, 2 dc in 1^st V-st, V-st across, dc in last st.  TURN.

Row 11:  Ch 3, V-st across to last 3 sts, dc in next st, skip st, dc in last st.  TURN.  (4 V-sts)

Row 12:  Ch 3, skip st, V-st across, Dc in last dc.  TURN  (4 V-sts)

Row 13:  Ch 3, V-st across, skip last st.  TURN.  (4 V-sts)

Row 14:  Ch 3, dc in 1^st V-st, V-st across, dc in last st.  TURN.

Row 15:  Ch 3, V-st to last 2 sts, skip st, dc in last st.  TURN  (3 V-sts)

Row 16:  Ch 3, V-st across, dc in last st.  (3 V-sts)  

DO NOT FASTEN OFF.

From this point on, you will be working around side edges of shoulderette)

Row 1:    TURN.  Ch 3, V-st in each st to last st, V-st around the ch 3 (corner), V-st in end of next 2 rows.  Continue to V-st in end of each row around to next corner.  You will place a Lacy V-st [dc, ch 1, dc, ch 1, dc] in ch3 just before corner at row end st.  --You are essentially V-st’ing around, end dc in last st (without working the neckline).  TURN.

Row 2:    Ch 3, V-st in each V-st around to last dc.   [NOTE:  add an occasional lacy V-st to ease fit.  TURN.

Row 3:    Ch 3, *V-st in 1^st st, dc lacy V-st in next st* around to last st.  Turn work so you will b working around neck edge:

      

Working around ch 3, (last st of previous row) work Lacy V-st, work in ends of each row up to starting chain.   (alternating V-st, Lacy V-st still).

Sk 1 chain, Lacy V-st in next ch, sk 1 ch, V-st, Lacy V in ends of rows to starting chain of previous row.  Dc in base of Ch 3, Ch 1, slst in top of beginning ch 3.

FO.  Weave in ends.  Voila.   

Good Saturday Morning

I just noticed that I have 8 followers.  I am thankful for any followers.  I have been creating crocheted objects without writing down the patterns.  Since my son died, I am not motivated to do much except make prayer shawls and lapghans.  Am including a few in this post.  I think I just finished my 35th since March 28, 2011.  My priorities are so changed, my life feels so useless.  I have very good help and counselors but I miss my son on this earth so vry much.  I have 3 others and I am now so afraid that I will lose one of them.  It is so different when it is someone old because you know they have led long lives.  When it is someone young and so full of life, it is difficult. 
Today my daughter-in-law is taking Timothy's two teenagers to King Richard's Faire.  I hope they have one helluva time all to my son's honor.  Timothy loved King Richard's Faire.  It is in Carver MA.

This weather is grand.  I have been sharing the scents and colors with Timothy via candles.  I used to think people who talked like that were weird but now I understand.  I am so proud of my son.  He was beautiful...even though all my sons think that word doesn't describe boys...they were all handsome, gorgeous, cute, football player type, adorable, whatever other word you can think of. 
This shawl was made for Timothy's father and his stepmother.  I tried to make something for everyone because I needed to be busy and it is my contribution even though I have no money. 

Has anyone checked out the double stitch twins blog and work?  They are incredible and the their things work up fast.  I made one sweater from them and just finished their newest newsboys cap.  Very cute.

My youngest cat has been sick with allergies.  He is sitting here next to me.  It's amazing he will even be in the same room with me with all the meds I have had to inflict on him.  I bought pocket pills to help give him one med and  he doesn't like the treat.   yikes.  Anyone reads this and has any ideas please comment and let me know.  Thank you.

This prayer shawl was made for my daughter in law, Jenn.  I love the colors.  Sigh.  Life goes on and I will go on until the Parents in Heaven call me home.  Meanwhile, I will do the best I can.  What else is there?

Agony and Grief, Priorities

Isn't this a a marvelous creation??  I got the pattern online and it is a vintage one.  If I could only remembere the name of where I got it....I call it a gypsy scarf but I think the designer called it a Movie Star Scarf.  At any rate, it was quick to make and so pretty.  My friend who is Islam says she can wear it.  I am so glad when my crocheted stuff is used and appreciated!  With four boys, it just doesn't happen much.  Smile.
I am down today.  I miss my son.  I am going through grief and trying hard not to deny it so that I can experience it and move on.  On Mother's Day, it was hard becuz my son Timothy always called me.  He is so beautiful!  --in looks and heart and spirit.  He had grown so much.
My priorities have changed and I find myself getting very angry at people who bicker and talk about stupid things (did you see they were sitting together?  did you see what she had on?  duh duh duh).  I have now to work on directing my anger.  I have had doubts about my faith.  I have always believed there is a God and Goddess (or Father and Mother God, or whatever name you wish to give) and my Faith has been Strong.  Now it is wavering becuz I am afraid I will never see my son again.  It was amazing becuz I walked into his hospital room and had an immediate and very colorful vision of his being in a thick garden with an old old library off to the side.  And I knew he was going to study with the thinkers.  It was so strong.  And yet now I can't bring it up becuz my brain fights it.  It is so difficult to talk to anyone about these things unless they are going through them at the same time and I don't think that happens.  Everyone is in a place of their own and this is the loneliest thing I have evere gone through.  I pray for a sign from God that Timothy is at Peace.  And I know that is selfish.  I just want to know.  It hurts so bad.
Oh man.  Oh, God and Goddess.

This is a prayer shawl that I "exploded" from a doily pattern wth leftover yarn.  I have made my 28th prayer shawl since March 28, 2011.  That is the day Timothy died.  I came right home and started on ones for Timothy's close family (daughters-in-law, daughter) and have been doing it ever since.  I watch old movies or old tv series (cd or dvd) and pray at the same time.  It has kept me sane and going "one foot in front of the other."  Plus I feel useful and not quite so lost.   I hope reading this helps someone else.   I didn't write anything deep, just honest and I am so lonely in my grief.

Don't know where to turn...

Timothy  April 18, 1969 to March 28, 2011
I have been crying all morning.  I don't want to be a whiner or complainer, but I am in such pain.  I miss my son, Timothy, so much.  And I miss feeling sane.   I don't like people.  I just want to be alone and hide.  I cry and I live in such a small apartment community that I know others can hear me.  I wwant to scream at the top of my lungs.  I want to be dead.  I want my son to be alive on this earth to experience his children.  It hurts so very much.  I can't even handle the slightest change in my surroundings.  I feel like one gigantic nerve ending that I just want to cut off.   My heart is not whole.  It is missing my son.  And I miss my son, Shawn, who even though he hasn't died, he doesn't contact me.  He hates me.  I am tired of worrying about everyone's feelings.  I just can't even find my Peace...the Peace that I had when I went through the dying of my son.  I had a vision and it was Timothy in a beautiful green garden near a giant old old library and he was looking forward to the libralry.   I can't hold that in my head anymore.  I just want to lay down and not hurt or get up and not hurt....both physically and mentally.  I have and had so much love to give and I don't know how to give it.  I am hurting so much.    Please, God, help me.  
This morning my youngest cat (3 yrs old) jumped out of the 2nd story window and hid in the bushes.  I thought I was gone then.  I have this beautiful spirit of the cat that I am supposed to take care of and instead I got so wrapped up in shaking rugs i didnt even notice.  What kind of person is this?????  I don't like m lifee.  I don''t like anone righ tnow.  I don't have any answers.  Ihad so much Faith and I still believe in God and have Faith that my son is where he is supposed to be.  But i can't overcome all the pain int he world and the pain that I have caused people from my Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (oh, yeah, now it's a lousy syndrome and not a disorder....pshaw).   Stoopid.   giving it aname doesn't make it any easier.  I love my sons and I have no way to take back who I have been.  Please God, help me. 

Sunday, Feeling Overwhelmed

This is a photo of my Aunt Gert Stimpson with cousin Roger;  Gloria Stimpson Kahler with Richard;  Gwendolyn Stimpson Monk Cretinon with Linda (me); and Ruth Stimpson Williams with Alan.  Roger has passed away, Richard lives in CO, I live in RI, and Alan passed away when he was around 25 yrs old.  Gert is a sister-in-law who married my uncle Orrin, the other 3 women are sisters.

Did not want to get out of bed this morning. I wonder how many people start their day thinking the same thing.  I am a morning person so usually just get up and start going.  I write down what I need to accomplish on any given day.  But today I have played silly games on the computer and finally did the cat litter.  Once I move, I am better, and I know that.  But there are days when I just "don't wanna."   My gosh I sound like a whiny child.  Sigh.  Guess I better get on that.

I spoke to a friend from long ago last evening.  My son's death has brought us to being friends again.  I am so grateful to be talking to her as I have missed her.  I am getting old and sometimes I forget that because my brain is still 18 or so (with more knowledge, of course) but the time goes so fast that is seems impossible that our children played together and hers babysat mine...and they are all in their 40's and 50's and have grown children of their own.  What is this miracle called growing up?  whew.

I have finished many prayer shawls and that makes me feel good.  Gave one to Stephanie yesterday and it looked so good on her. Must make Lynn one now.  I really like Lynn and I think she gets the bad end of the deal from her mother.  Can't change the past but maybe I can remind the mom that she has 2 daughters.  I am BOLD. 

Speaking of Bold, I watched evanglist television this a.m...  Dr. Stanley. His son was speaking about being bold.....how we have opportunities to speak of Christ and we don't...or to talk to someone new, or to welcome them or even just listen to them.  I work at that.  But I find the anger from my son's death hangs over me and I get angry if people put their egos forward or hurt others or me.  I'm getting better at standing up for me, also.  Feels good.  But not that great at it yet.....anyway, I just want to be home and crochet and walk outside and read and watch dumb movies while I crochet.  I also crochet while I am on facebook and I feel that I am a useful human being.

I think am rambling here.  Focus, Linda.  I need to wallow in my Strength and my Faith.  I need to pray every minute (and sometimes I do) so that I am not overwhelmed.  I cry and mourn and also mourn that my children aren't close to me and I work so hard to keep in touch with them and two of my sons get angry with me and don't respond at all.  Timothy and Brendan were the only ones who called me or sent cards.  I wonder if it is because T & B have children and know more about life now.  Sigh.  I'll never know but I don't want to go to my death with them holding grudges and I can't fix them, I know.  I have been the best person I was able to be with what I had to work with and did a darn good job.  But they don't know that.  They didn't live my life.  My heart hurts for all the pain in the world and for me and Timothy's children and for his brothers and Julie.  Oh, God,, my heart hurrts.   Time to pray.  And thank God for the time that I had with my son.  Better get busy and stop this whining.  sigh.

Losing a Child

I am not doing well.  Every day I am the ocean with waves knocking me about.  And I can't breathe.  I am held in place by anger that wants me to die in my son's place.  Simple every day things elude me and feel so senseless.  I have great Faith in God and am trying to let this happen so it will get easier.  When does it get easier?  Dear Mother and Father God, know that I am desperate to see where Timothy is now and I need to know he is at peace. 
Please take me, take me.  I love all my sons so much and could have done an infinitely better job of raising them.  I need to know that my son is at Peace. 
I am learning the lesson, "Not my will, but Thine."  It hurts it hurts so much.